Time. Organic hourglass empties slowly but surly. Dripping with regret. Polished with questions. Microcosm of inconsistent random mistakes. Buried face down, so my soul will not be burdened. Blankley my mind looks into an uncertain future. Like a gnat that orbits a lamp. This numbness is cold… but at least the cold still registers.

I hate you Pollen! why u do dis?

So… my bedroom door just completely opened up. Then stopped right before hitting my mic stand and then closed tightly. I thought it was Izzy or Loki. So I got up, opened my door and nothing. wtf 

Its getting hot outside. I need a new AC for my room. Mine broke last summer:( Its going to be 80 something tomorrow FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFUUUUU

Today I was thinking about the human body. Its pretty amazing. Its ridiculously complex and capable or millions of things. It repairs its self and can adapt to almost any environment. Organic semi self sustaining machine. The human anatomy is beautifully sculpted. Full of sleek curves and hard edges, carefully intertwined with one another. Crazy to think about. So many moving parts, so many systems. Its like a work of fiction. By a design point of view, everything about us should be impossible. We shouldn’t even be able to walk upright but we do.

Since elementary school, I have had my heart set on being a concept artist. Not an astronaut or a firefighter. No, a concept artist. I wanted to design cool things for movies and video games. 10-15 years later It was still my dream…well kinda. I quickly learned how not amazingly awesome it can be. None the less, I still went to college with Concept art as my goal. College really didn’t go as planed. It was on and off for a few years. I ended up with a sharp focus trompe l’oeil certificate. Even though I enrolled for a Technical Illustration cert. They thought it would be cool to drop that program while I was in the middle of it. So I was given a Cert. for classes I didn’t even study or take! I failed Oil Painting:1 and here I have a Cert. in TROMPE! Go figure. Anyways, I decided that maybe I would be better off doing freelance work. But the whole “not working for a company everyday” thing is kind of nerve racking. I don’t want to be a staving artist. I sent my portfolio to every fantasy related company I knew anyway. As well as looked up a bunch of others. Hoping to get some real commissions. No luck. Got a few responses. Like “Really great work but we have no need for any new artists at this time.” I wasn’t so much discouraged as I was simply frustrated. So I kept working on my portfolio. This is where things started to get strange. A big hobby of mine is making music and audio recording nonsense. I quickly found myself being distracted by writing music and tweaking sounds instead of drawing. Its all I wanted to do. It quickly consumed me. I love it. Its much more natural, I don’t struggle with it. Its rewarding. It doesn’t get boring after an hour. I always had the idea of producing audio for games in the back of my head but never thought about it seriously…Until now. I was looking into going to a community college for a associates in Audio. The more I got serious about it. I found myself being pulled back to Illustration! Drawing all the time instead of working on audio. Started working on my portfolio again. This went on for a few months. Now fast-forward to a few weeks ago. I’m thinking of doing audio again but at Fullsail located in Florida. Talked to admissions multiple times and it sounds great. Year program for Audio. Nicole and I would move down there and I would bang this thing out. I was pretty set on doing this… or so I thought and I started ignoring it and working on illustration again. I’m losing my mind! I cant chose one. I work on one until I get fed up with it, then move to the other. I cant do that in the real world. I’m 23 now and I still have no plan or concrete aspiration. My indecisiveness will surely be the death of me.

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